I can proudly say that I am beautiful...

I can't believe I haven't written anything since September...it's kind of funny because I haven't written anything, yet I've had a lot of things going on, and a ton of emotions within the mix. Emotions of missing the ones that I've lost, or just missing the ones that have fought and kicked cancer in the ass. I'm thinking about where they would be today, how they would feel about their self-worth, and if they would be different. I think each challenge you are faced with, not only makes you mature but it helps you become who you want to be. With my experience alone, it's definitely shaped my life, my personality and how I look at people today. I definitely am not who I was a year ago--and it will be a year on March 19th. One thing that amazed me was when I got an email from St. Baldrick's, it was telling me that Fast Eddies was hosting another event on March 17th and where my hair went and how it has helped 3 different children, with 3 different stories. I couldn't help but smile and have tears run down my face because it brought back so many feelings, and the desire of shaving my head in the first place. My first feeling from last year was oh my gosh, I'm about to shave my head...my hands are sweating, my heart is about to jump out of my chest, and that I hope I didn't have anything stuck in my teeth because I knew pictures would be taken. From feeling like that to how I felt when I got the email was inspiration to me. I felt proud, happiness, and that fact that I am making a difference; if it's in my own life or in others I did it. Although, I will not be shaving my head this year, I will be volunteering and as well cheering on the Shavee's. The moment that would change my life again would be if one girl decided to shave her head, and who could sit up there with 39 other males and be the one to go the extra mile. That would honestly put me in tears and get goose-bumps..like I have as we speak.  I hope that a person who has battled cancer, or is still fighting can see that without hair that they are absolutely gorgeous in my eyes and always will be.  My hair has grown a lot thoughout the past couple of months and I've realized more so now that even with hair I was beautiful, but without hair you have the ability to be STRONG and BEAUTIFUL in so many ways. I feel that most women can't see that..they focus so much on the negative that someone utters or the harmful actions that people choose. They don't realize what is truly important or even their self-worth, which I really wish they could realize what I see in them.

STRENGTH

I hope you enjoyed reading my last post, and I'll be honest I read all my posts over and over again, and this one seemed to hit home for me. I cried every time. One thing I've realized while being back at school and even an RA now is that everything is different. The way I feel, how I see people, my patience level with some, but also how much my journey has brought me to where I want to be and even how much stronger I have become, in just a short couple of months. For so long I've wanted to get a tattoo, and the tattoo I designed is simple yet classy; and I'm determined to get it. STRENGTH is what it will say with a butterfly at the end. Strength can't be described in the same context for everyone, we all "see" strength from a different perspective, it may be similar but not exact. Maybe that's why I created this as "strength365" because in all honesty if you have strength everyday and even confidence with every breath you take; you have the power to do and be anything you've ever dreamed of and I've truly learned that in the past couple months. I never in my life thought I would shave my head, but already know that I will do it again; in a heartbeat. I read in a survey that someone did, and the question was "Have or will you ever shave your head?" that person's only response was "I'm not that stupid to do something like that" I sat back and thought about it for a second, and I had a quick response of why not do it? Your helping someone who needs it and are giving something up that is very special to a woman. I had the hardest time the first time I looked at myself in the mirror, but my love for myself has grown stronger because of it. Sometimes I even smile because it reminds me of why I did it and that nothing was able to stop me. I had people question why I was doing it, that it would be a mistake and even that it was stupid. Clearly I disagree and will never feel that way. I did it for the patient that didn't have a choice of losing their hair, the family member that wasn't able to cope and felt weak, or even the girlfriend whose whole world was taken from them and everyday it's a struggle just to get up in the morning because he is no longer here, and that you see is why I did this. For me strength comes in little definitions 1. To have strength is to know where you come from. Your past-you need to accept it and love yourself through every struggle. I'm defintely not who I was years ago, in high school or even 5 months ago. It's constantly changing and each year you realize how important life really is. 2. Your experiences, the struggles that make you who are. With everything you've gone through build upon it with strength and truly grow. You can't fail unless you give up trying. Your still standing, and may have bumps in the road or even a road block but you still have reason to believe and make something of yourself. 3. Respect and believe in the future. Respect yourself with everything you do, if it's with your confidence, relationships, on a professional level, regardless of what your doing--respect yourself because if you don't...who will? Believe in the future: You have to belive in the future and believe in yourself. YOU are you're own motivation and never limit yourself to the possibilities or allow other people to degrade you; because the last time I checked it's your life and no one else should be living it, but you. YOU be the best person you can be. Like I said before, this is probably really different from others perspective but this is what I feel, see, and hear whenever STRENGTH comes to mind. It's powerful; so go beyond what people expect. So, this blog isn't as long as the other and some might be saying (thank you Lord!) but please keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers who are battling, have fought and lost, and who are our survivors. Let them know that were thinking of them and love them. Just by doing that you've put a smile on their face.

Time passes..

I apologize for not writing in such a long time. I can't tell you how much everything has changed...if it was in my control or not. Over the summer it was very hard. I remember my last couple days at Shepherd, and my hair was still very short and I believe some people felt as if I did have cancer. I remember I was walking to the gym one day and these freshmen were sitting at bench and one of them yelled to me and said "I'm sorry your not dead yet!"-I don't know what came over me but I took a deep breath in and walked back to him and just honestly laid into him on how much he disrespected me, and even more so all our survivors, patients and even the ones who lost their lives...let's just say I wasn't letting this one slide and he ended up apologizing for it the next day. But to be honest that apology means nothing to me, nor ever will. To even joke about something like this hurts, I think my first reaction was everyone in my life who is battling, for example Alex and even who have lost their battle from this terrible illness-(Keith, Ryan, My PopPop) Just so many thoughts ran through my head, and ALL I wanted to do is  go over to him and kick him in the dick. (yes I know I said dick but it's how I felt) So many people today don't think before speaking, or doing; and that's what gets them in deep trouble. This wasn't my only down fall for the summer, or even how I wanted to start summer for that matter. The day I got home for summer break, was the day I realized I'd devote my 3 months of being home to a very small yet adorable cat named Jelly. I know some of you may be laughing right now and that's fine; but the reason why I devoted my time to her was because she was literally my baby, she was always there, and had cancer. I wanted her last 3 months to be the best 3 months of her life. So as you know cancer doesn't only happen in humans but in animals too and often times we forget that. Cancer sucks ass, and I know second cuss word.. woah I'm on a roll now! But it truly does, this illness has taken so many lives, and it's hard to just sit here and not be able to take the pain they are feeling away. I think that's the main reason why I'm so involved in finding a cure and even showing my awareness--because it beats not doing anything, and I'd rather stand up and help fight then just sit back and watch. I'll be honest right now as I'm writing this, tears are falling left and right and it's hard to grasp that you never know why things happen and to whom. (Breathe) I remember when we were told that Jelly had cancer, I didn't cry in the animal hospital but waited until I got home and by then I broke down. I was just watching this sweet cat stare at me with the biggest green eyes, as if she knew what was happening and letting me know it's okay. But for those three months, I felt as if I were in a Hospice every day, every night, it got to the point where I would feed her by hand, hold her for hours, clean her butt (somthing I thought I'd NEVER have to do), and just made sure she got the love and attention she deserved. Often times, I'd slept on the floor with her, or she would lay right next to me ( but I guess she still held onto her goofy side because when I would wake the next morning she would be staring directly at me with her head tilted). It always brought a smile to my face and even her famous head butts. Two weeks before coming back to Shepherd for RA Training, she began to get worse and I remember one day I told my mom that "I know this is selfish of me but I don't want her to be alive when I leave for school, because if that's the case I'm not going." I didn't want to abandon her or leave and not be there when she does pass. I felt that if she was going she at least needs to be with someone. Two days after I said that I drove up to Shepherd to sign RA paperwork and to have lunch with one of my friends. It was a short lunch but the longest drive home. I remember walking into my room and seeing her laying on my bed just lifeless. I knew it was time and slowly going to happen. All I did was put my stuff down, changed my clothes and picked her up and held her in my arms. I held her for six hours that day, I think in that day  alone we watched 2 episodes of Judge Joe Brown, King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, and an episode of Two And A Half Men....yes I know it was A LOT but well worth because in the mist of all my tears, I was able to laugh. I wasn't going to move, get up or anything, because I knew something was going to happen; and it did. Right before she passed she looked up at me for a while and died in my arms. At that moment my mom came in (perfect timing right?) and all I could do was shake my head, she came to her side and gave her a kiss on the head. She then called the animal hospital and at that point I was hyperventilating for the first time in my life..I lost control. I don't know what came over me after my mom came back into my room to tell me they were waiting. I laid Jelly down and wrapped her up in my Delta Zeta blanket which she loved, and just got the things I needed and stopped crying. Surprisingly when we dropped her off, I didn't cry like I thought I would but once again waited until later that night. I even broke down and just blurted out that I no longer am afraid of death. I said that because of everything that has happend in the past year, and especially losing my cousin Keith because of cancer. I felt as though they leave us, but we will see them again sometime. But what I am worried about is leaving the ones I love and not being able to see nor hear their voices again just was a breaking point for me. I can remember everything about my experience when Keith died. I still have the image in my head when I said goodbye and  when I close my eyes I just see him there in a casket and thinking to myself that's not where he's suppose to be..and there's no way of describing how I truly feel.  Everything that went on this summer has made me a lot more grateful and is the prime example of how I should live my life; and that is to the fullest and to hold NOTHING back. I know you probably just read this and are like "ahhh my eyes!" I didn't realize how long this was until now..so my bad on that. There will be more posts to come, so stay tuned!!! :)

For the Love of Six-The Heart of a Champion

For me when I see, hear or even say the number six it has a greater significance to how I feel and to whom it represents.  Alex Nieves as we all know is not only a remarkable person, but an aspiring athlete. I have had the honor of knowing Alex and the Nieves family for a good number of years and all I can say is that every single member of this family, holds a special place in my heart especially Alex. Alex has been battling Cancer since this past December.

He has certainly had his rough spots and while many of us read his updates which include: the good, bad and even the ugly, written by his wonderful mother, Mo Nieves (ROCK THE ORANGE)-he has also had some positive moments throughout his battle. Certain moments that no one can truly capture, by the emotions he may feel, his family nor the people who support him. One moment and what will possibly be an ever-lasting memory for him is the Salisbury Lacrosse team for their big National Championship win. I have seen a number of pictures from this game and I can honestly say I end up with tears each time, it’s by far the most motivational and real moment in someone’s life; it goes beyond the definition of beauty and gives off inspiration to everyone who sees them, or knows any of the players. I applaud each and every one of you for your hard work, constant support and the brotherhood you constantly give each other-congratulations on such an amazing achievement.

I was thinking about something earlier today and that was how many people take their life for granted.  If it’s just saying “I hate my life because I don't have this or that” or in other words “FML” –Which is one saying I truly hate hearing, or even reading, but what I don’t understand is how they can’t realize what they do have, and that others might be going through something worse.  It seems that people fuss and fight over some of the most stupid things in life, and miss out on the bigger picture of “hey I’m healthy, or oh yeah I’m breathing, have a roof over my head, and aren’t starving like some people are.” Think about it, how many people do you know, that are constantly negative or are even so consumed in buying things that they don't need through competition with others? Where do you think that money could go towards? Maybe to a good cause, to support efforts in finding a cure for any disease, or forming a project with Habitat for Humanity. Something, anything that is beneficial for others.  

Alex is a phenomenal person, if it’s for his love with lacrosse, his family or simply kicking cancer in the ass, he is the one person that can go beyond what people expect.  It’s very obvious that he has affected so many people’s lives even before he was diagnosed and this young man has made a difference and will continue too. With his battle, his strength and the ability he has to move forward is what adds onto who he is and how he shapes our lives in every aspect. Alex, has painted a very clear picture of that for myself and many other people just by being grateful for another day even though he’s fighting for his life-he’s STILL kicking ass while doing it.

So THANK YOU, Alex for being part of my life and showing me that if you believe with your heart and with pure strength anything is possible. No words can begin to describe how proud I am of you, nor how much of an impact you truly make on my life. Stay strong! I give my highest respects, support and love as you continue your fight.

"The wings of hope carry us, soaring high above the driving winds of life." ~Ana Jacob

Longest two months..

As I was driving back to Shepherd, I would often wonder what people would say about my shaved head and how they might view me. The looks I recieved were very harsh from a lot of people at school. I hated it, especially walking to class every day or eating in the dining hall, because every where I went someone had an opinion of something. My experience thus far has shown me a lot about people and their "true colors". For me it's easy to accept people as they are, thin, over-weight, tall, short, African American, Hispanic, White or Muslim-I'm able to look past what most people can't. I love the differences each individual has and how diverse they are. It was very shocking just to see how I was treated even though I did it for a good cause. But what is worse is how the cancer patients are treated by others, when they had no choice nor voice in getting this terrible disease. I had people tell me what I was doing was mocking people who have cancer, that I looked stupid, constant stare down for five minutes and even sly smirks left and right. The "five minute stare down" happend often, I can recall studying in the library one evening and this girl sat down beside me, I didn't look at her until I felt this uneasy feeling, and as I looked to my right, there she was looking at me. I glanced at her then back at my textbook, and just sat there. She was so focused on the fact that I didn't have any hair and it made me want to say "Would you like a picture? It will last longer" Let me just say I was glad when she walked away because I felt like I could breathe at that point. That only showed how much stronger I will be come, and how much their opinon truly doesn't matter. No one needs negativity in their life, especially over something that shouldn't be joked about nor be directed towards anyone who has battled, is battling or lost their battle to a disease that can take your life away in a matter of seconds.

Though I had my share of down falls, I had some positive moments as well. Another student came to me and said thatnk you for what your doing and that it really meant a lot to her. An employee at Shepherd, said that they were proud of what I've done and hopes that it can shine the light on other people to even help someone general. That's the goal I hope to accomplish as I continue to write my blogs, I want to inspire others to help one another no matter how different they may be, and to truly show support for a wonderful cause.

Warm Embrace

March 20th 2011:

One of my sorority sister's and I decided to go to lunch before she left to go home. Before leaving the house I grabbed one of my head-bands, so I would be more comfortable in public. As we were seated there was an elderly woman and her middle aged son sitting directly across from me. I smiled at her for a second and back down to the menu. After we ordered the elderly woman came to my side and complemented my head-band, and then proceeded to ask if I shaved my head for the summer, or if I was battling or even a cancer survivor. I turned to her and said, "I actually shaved my head last night for St. Baldrick's and Locks of Love." There was nothing but silence for the next 30 seconds, that felt like an eternity. It was until she placed her hand upon her mouth, that I knew in some way she had been affected by Cancer. I sat as tears were falling down her face, and all I could think of was to give her a hug. I must confess that a hug from somebody who you have never met, can touch your life in a way that you never thought possible and even bring tears to your eyes. As I hugged her, it felt as though we've known each other for years, and that in some way we had a connection. We both slowly pulled away from the hug, and as we did she pointed to her son's head. In which she told me that her son has been battling cancer for a number of years, and that she was truly grateful for a young individual to do something in regards to helping cancer patients.

This experience alone has showed me that Cancer can truly impact someone's life in more than one way. It can help us become stronger, to appreciate every breath we take, or even to accept the differences that so many people have in the world. I've heard my whole life from teachers, parents, and family members, to realize the differences that people have and to never put a limit on them nor their ability of acheiving wonderful things. Everyone has the power in themselves to go beyond what people expect from them, even if they are battling an illness that can take their life. To merely fight every single day, or every breath, that many take for granted is extremely admirable.

I hope each and every one of you reading my blog, takes the time out at the end of the day, to tell your loved ones how you feel, don't criticize other people by what you see, and to truly live each day because you never know how quickly it can be taken away.

A lil about me..

Hello Everyone!
I'm Elizabeth, but to almost everyone I'm known as Betsy. I'm a college student at Shepherd University. I wanted to let you all know a little bit about who I am, and why I decided to shave my head. So here I go.

I'm a 21 year old college student, who is achieving her dreams every single day. I find inspiration in others, and absolutely love helping people. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, amazing sorority sisters,  and friends. I'm a very bubbly person, with a positive outlook on life. I love and possibly live to laugh with every breath. Sunsets, roses and smiles make me happy. I guess you could say, I value the little things in life, because in the end they have more meaning to me. I dislike rude manners, others who find it hilarious to make fun of people, and drivers who don't use their blinker while driving. I've learned a lot since I've graduated from high school, but even more about people since I shaved my head in March.

My reason for shaving my head: Let's face it, we all know someone who has had cancer, is battling or who has lost their battle, my only question is why not do something about it? My major goal in shaving my head, was to give a child with cancer a chance to have hair. For my curly hair to be made into a wig and in the end to have a smile on that child's face. A cancer patient was never given the chose to have their hair taken away from them; it was just taken. Something that was part of who they are or how they can be remembered. I can recall growing up, and having naturally curly hair and hearing "I would kill to have your curls", or "I wish I had them!", but looking at it now, I was grateful to have hair. Shaving my head in March, not only gave me appreciation but for the opportunity to do something that can have a meaningful impact in my life and show my support. If I could tell you how many "weird" looks that I got after shaving my head I would be rich. It was so astonishing to see how people responded. One thing I wanted to do before coming home for spring break, was to speak to each of my classes and to let them know what I was doing and to see if they wanted to be part of it by giving a donation. It was amazing to see how generous people can be and to see that they wanted to help.

As I continue to write my posts, and write about my experience for the next year I hope you all find some inspiration, or comfort. I can express to you all now that there will be posts that are very positive while others can be sad. I will be very honest in each post and hopefully make a difference in one way or another.