STRENGTH

I hope you enjoyed reading my last post, and I'll be honest I read all my posts over and over again, and this one seemed to hit home for me. I cried every time. One thing I've realized while being back at school and even an RA now is that everything is different. The way I feel, how I see people, my patience level with some, but also how much my journey has brought me to where I want to be and even how much stronger I have become, in just a short couple of months. For so long I've wanted to get a tattoo, and the tattoo I designed is simple yet classy; and I'm determined to get it. STRENGTH is what it will say with a butterfly at the end. Strength can't be described in the same context for everyone, we all "see" strength from a different perspective, it may be similar but not exact. Maybe that's why I created this as "strength365" because in all honesty if you have strength everyday and even confidence with every breath you take; you have the power to do and be anything you've ever dreamed of and I've truly learned that in the past couple months. I never in my life thought I would shave my head, but already know that I will do it again; in a heartbeat. I read in a survey that someone did, and the question was "Have or will you ever shave your head?" that person's only response was "I'm not that stupid to do something like that" I sat back and thought about it for a second, and I had a quick response of why not do it? Your helping someone who needs it and are giving something up that is very special to a woman. I had the hardest time the first time I looked at myself in the mirror, but my love for myself has grown stronger because of it. Sometimes I even smile because it reminds me of why I did it and that nothing was able to stop me. I had people question why I was doing it, that it would be a mistake and even that it was stupid. Clearly I disagree and will never feel that way. I did it for the patient that didn't have a choice of losing their hair, the family member that wasn't able to cope and felt weak, or even the girlfriend whose whole world was taken from them and everyday it's a struggle just to get up in the morning because he is no longer here, and that you see is why I did this. For me strength comes in little definitions 1. To have strength is to know where you come from. Your past-you need to accept it and love yourself through every struggle. I'm defintely not who I was years ago, in high school or even 5 months ago. It's constantly changing and each year you realize how important life really is. 2. Your experiences, the struggles that make you who are. With everything you've gone through build upon it with strength and truly grow. You can't fail unless you give up trying. Your still standing, and may have bumps in the road or even a road block but you still have reason to believe and make something of yourself. 3. Respect and believe in the future. Respect yourself with everything you do, if it's with your confidence, relationships, on a professional level, regardless of what your doing--respect yourself because if you don't...who will? Believe in the future: You have to belive in the future and believe in yourself. YOU are you're own motivation and never limit yourself to the possibilities or allow other people to degrade you; because the last time I checked it's your life and no one else should be living it, but you. YOU be the best person you can be. Like I said before, this is probably really different from others perspective but this is what I feel, see, and hear whenever STRENGTH comes to mind. It's powerful; so go beyond what people expect. So, this blog isn't as long as the other and some might be saying (thank you Lord!) but please keep everyone in your thoughts and prayers who are battling, have fought and lost, and who are our survivors. Let them know that were thinking of them and love them. Just by doing that you've put a smile on their face.

Time passes..

I apologize for not writing in such a long time. I can't tell you how much everything has changed...if it was in my control or not. Over the summer it was very hard. I remember my last couple days at Shepherd, and my hair was still very short and I believe some people felt as if I did have cancer. I remember I was walking to the gym one day and these freshmen were sitting at bench and one of them yelled to me and said "I'm sorry your not dead yet!"-I don't know what came over me but I took a deep breath in and walked back to him and just honestly laid into him on how much he disrespected me, and even more so all our survivors, patients and even the ones who lost their lives...let's just say I wasn't letting this one slide and he ended up apologizing for it the next day. But to be honest that apology means nothing to me, nor ever will. To even joke about something like this hurts, I think my first reaction was everyone in my life who is battling, for example Alex and even who have lost their battle from this terrible illness-(Keith, Ryan, My PopPop) Just so many thoughts ran through my head, and ALL I wanted to do is  go over to him and kick him in the dick. (yes I know I said dick but it's how I felt) So many people today don't think before speaking, or doing; and that's what gets them in deep trouble. This wasn't my only down fall for the summer, or even how I wanted to start summer for that matter. The day I got home for summer break, was the day I realized I'd devote my 3 months of being home to a very small yet adorable cat named Jelly. I know some of you may be laughing right now and that's fine; but the reason why I devoted my time to her was because she was literally my baby, she was always there, and had cancer. I wanted her last 3 months to be the best 3 months of her life. So as you know cancer doesn't only happen in humans but in animals too and often times we forget that. Cancer sucks ass, and I know second cuss word.. woah I'm on a roll now! But it truly does, this illness has taken so many lives, and it's hard to just sit here and not be able to take the pain they are feeling away. I think that's the main reason why I'm so involved in finding a cure and even showing my awareness--because it beats not doing anything, and I'd rather stand up and help fight then just sit back and watch. I'll be honest right now as I'm writing this, tears are falling left and right and it's hard to grasp that you never know why things happen and to whom. (Breathe) I remember when we were told that Jelly had cancer, I didn't cry in the animal hospital but waited until I got home and by then I broke down. I was just watching this sweet cat stare at me with the biggest green eyes, as if she knew what was happening and letting me know it's okay. But for those three months, I felt as if I were in a Hospice every day, every night, it got to the point where I would feed her by hand, hold her for hours, clean her butt (somthing I thought I'd NEVER have to do), and just made sure she got the love and attention she deserved. Often times, I'd slept on the floor with her, or she would lay right next to me ( but I guess she still held onto her goofy side because when I would wake the next morning she would be staring directly at me with her head tilted). It always brought a smile to my face and even her famous head butts. Two weeks before coming back to Shepherd for RA Training, she began to get worse and I remember one day I told my mom that "I know this is selfish of me but I don't want her to be alive when I leave for school, because if that's the case I'm not going." I didn't want to abandon her or leave and not be there when she does pass. I felt that if she was going she at least needs to be with someone. Two days after I said that I drove up to Shepherd to sign RA paperwork and to have lunch with one of my friends. It was a short lunch but the longest drive home. I remember walking into my room and seeing her laying on my bed just lifeless. I knew it was time and slowly going to happen. All I did was put my stuff down, changed my clothes and picked her up and held her in my arms. I held her for six hours that day, I think in that day  alone we watched 2 episodes of Judge Joe Brown, King of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, and an episode of Two And A Half Men....yes I know it was A LOT but well worth because in the mist of all my tears, I was able to laugh. I wasn't going to move, get up or anything, because I knew something was going to happen; and it did. Right before she passed she looked up at me for a while and died in my arms. At that moment my mom came in (perfect timing right?) and all I could do was shake my head, she came to her side and gave her a kiss on the head. She then called the animal hospital and at that point I was hyperventilating for the first time in my life..I lost control. I don't know what came over me after my mom came back into my room to tell me they were waiting. I laid Jelly down and wrapped her up in my Delta Zeta blanket which she loved, and just got the things I needed and stopped crying. Surprisingly when we dropped her off, I didn't cry like I thought I would but once again waited until later that night. I even broke down and just blurted out that I no longer am afraid of death. I said that because of everything that has happend in the past year, and especially losing my cousin Keith because of cancer. I felt as though they leave us, but we will see them again sometime. But what I am worried about is leaving the ones I love and not being able to see nor hear their voices again just was a breaking point for me. I can remember everything about my experience when Keith died. I still have the image in my head when I said goodbye and  when I close my eyes I just see him there in a casket and thinking to myself that's not where he's suppose to be..and there's no way of describing how I truly feel.  Everything that went on this summer has made me a lot more grateful and is the prime example of how I should live my life; and that is to the fullest and to hold NOTHING back. I know you probably just read this and are like "ahhh my eyes!" I didn't realize how long this was until now..so my bad on that. There will be more posts to come, so stay tuned!!! :)